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  • Fruit Grows on Trees (In Case You Didn't Know)

    He accepted the fact that the pool was dirty and that we couldn't swim in it.  I elected not to tell him that we could get sick from swimming in the pool with algae in it.  I am sure we wouldn't get sick, just itchy.  He was playing peacefully when I decided that we should do something fun.  I asked him if he wanted to go see a tree where there were apples growing and he could pick an apple.  He looked at me like I was absolutely crazy.  I know he was thinking that apples come from stores not trees.  He took my hand anyway.  I told him that I wasn't sure if it was an apple tree or a peach tree but we would pick a piece of fruit and eat it.  I am absolutely positive he thought I was making the story up.  He dragged his feet, and muttered about apples, peaches, fruit, and flowers.  When we finally made it to the fruit tree, he was very excited.  I wish there was still fruit on some of the lower branches because he really wanted to pick an "apple".  When we got to the tree I could see that they were really green anjou pears.  The one I picked for John was ripe and the one I picked for myself will be ready in a few days.  He carried it with pride saying that fruit grew on trees.  We have been talking about how trees change during the year.  When the leaves first started coming back, I told him that the leaves meant that the trees were growing.  I am going to try my best to explain to him about fruit in the summer and what seeds do.  I don't know that he will really understand, but it will be fun listening to him explain what I said to someone else.  I always laugh when he tells people about leaves and the trees growing in the spring.  Plant reproduction should be even more fun.

    When we went inside, he was so excited to watch me peel his "apple".  I sliced it on his plate and he gobbled it up.  It was a pretty amazing tasting pear.  Now I have to slice and peel the store bought apple that he had before we went "apple" picking.  He wanted to eat the "apple" he picked from the tree.

  • Dreams

    John is always saying nonsensical things in his sleep.  Last Saturday morning I was reading Shaping the Future Volume II on my computer when I heard him giggle.  I smiled and my little mama heart fluttered because my little boy was having a good dream.  I look up again when the laughter got louder.  I wanted to make sure he was still sleeping.  There was a brief moment of silence and then I heard, "That's a fucking flea!  That's a fucking flea!" I had to laugh at that one.  He woke himself up laughing and squealing, "That's a fucking flea!"

    I wonder what he was dreaming about.

  • He is a poet

    I said spit. 

    Laughter.
    "Mama shitted" he squealed and laughed. "Mama shits"
    "Spit, John" I said "I said spit"
    "Shit! Shit funny"  He laughed "Mama shits!  OOOOH Mama Shits! She Shitted."

    Does he not know that the proper past tense of shit is shat?

  • I found a date through zombie harmony - one of the best free dating sites for zombies

    Sorry Jim, his name was I ate my family and he had me when he told me that his ex-wife tried to decapitate him with a shovel.  I promised to use a meat hook, but he bit me and zombified me instead.  I am kind of slow, he is pretty fast you know opposites attract.  Consider this our Facebook break up.

  • I lied, we aren't going to the petting zoo. If we go, I'll have to take him myself and I am not comfortable doing that.  I hate driving and my car battery has been acting funny. Jim decided to take a job subbing instead of going on the trip.

  • John has a dentist appointment tomorrow.  I hope I am just being paranoid about his teeth.  He has a holes in two of his front teeth.  They don't look rotten or discolored.  One of them has been there for a while, the other is new or I just noticed it.  One of them is in the back of the tooth, the other is in the tooth next to the front tooth. One of the teeth was damaged when he fell in the bathtub.  Both of his front teeth were damage when he fell it's only notibable in one.  The one next to them might have been damaged as well.  On-line sources say that holes can be caused by traumatic falls.   I know that I need to stop nursing him to sleep, but I don't have the heart to just let him cry.  I can't do it.  It stresses me out just thinking about weaning him because that is what it's going to amount to.  He is not ready for it.  He is showing no signs that he might be ready to wean.  Then there are some days where if he doesn't drink milk (like when he is teething) he won't eat. If I didn't think he would cry, then I would have no problem with it.  I'd stop the night weaning tonight.  I need help. I see a fight coming on.

  • As I sit dying

    As I sit dying I am going over my life's mistakes.  I am waiting to die in the student death center.  A death that should take no more than 3 hours.  I sit dying for not being true to myself, and for that, I am much regretful.  There aren't many things that I would change in my life, but the one that my mind comtemplates is most certainly one of them.  I saw you and knew instantly you were not good enough to play with my son.  However your bouncingn Beyonce curls, big fawning brown eyes, and daddy melting smile made me think that I couldn't break your baby girl heart.  Besides it was too late, he saw you Little Miss Beyonce in Miniature.  He smiled you smiled.  He rubbed his hands all over your snotty face before I could even contemplate whether I should break things up.  My son is too clean to play with the likes of you, germball.

    However, I regret that I didn't move my son away from you to another area of the park where your little devil snot smile couldn't tempt him.  So here I am dying because of you.  I regret not teaching you of heartbreak.  I figured that lesson would come for you all too soon.  I will have you to know that if my son and I survive this assault on our immune system, we won't be associating with the likes of you again.  We aren't the kind to socialize while oozing germ filled snot.  We are better and more compassionate than that.  As I sit dying in a tacky chair, I wish that I would have grabbed my son, slathered him in neosporin and baby wipes and got him away from you.

  • I love randomly good days.  I went to pick up my reund check.  I knew that it was either going to be not ready, ready to be picked up, or already mailed.  I was told to come back tomorrow and the money that I paid over the web would be refunded to my credit card (debit card).  I wasn't expecting this to happen. I had parking tickets and other random expenses that I had no problem with paying for.  It made me smile.

  • Random Timestamp Dec 17, 2006


    Big Brown Blobby Bloated Belly

    Big Blobby Brown Bloated Belly Buries Beautiful Bones

     


    B- BLOATED

    Dear ED,

    I am tired of all of your lies.

    Erika.


    My Dearest Erika,

    You unappreciative little girl. You can't see what I have done for you.  I never promised you that I wouldn't lie.  I never promised you anything.  I merely suggested that you would be safe, if you were thinner.  It was a suggestion and you were stupid enough to believe me or you or whatever.  We're one in the same. You'll never go anywhere.  You are mine. I am yours.  We are the same.

    Besides, you are too weak to even crawl away.  You wouldn't make it one day without me because you are nothing without me.  You can think all you want that it is the other way around.  It isn't. 

    You are the invader and you are unwanted.  If you want a divorce, then you leave.  It's my brain, my body, and my soul.  You do not  belong to you.

    With Deepest Love,
    ED

  • Perhaps only those in Science Education

    would find these humorous, but there are tears flowing down my eyes.  Perhaps some of you that teach science (or any other subject) would find these humorous as well.  What scares me is some of these could have been written by college students.

    Excerpts from student essays and exams on science – too good to made up...

    When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

    H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water

    To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube

    When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide

    Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state (no comment)

    Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

    Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

    Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

    Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

    The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

    Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

    Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

    A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

    Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. (gotta love how we teach natural selection)

    The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax containsthe heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

    The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.

    The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

    The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

    A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

    The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

    Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.

    Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

    Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

    Liter: A nest of young puppies. (d'oh. spell check)

    Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

    Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

    Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

    Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

    Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives. (and politicians)

    Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

    To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. (ouch)

    For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops. (well, it would stop the bleeding)

    For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

    For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor. (we should teach the difference between sexual harassment and saving someone's life, poor woman, can't give her CPR oh NOES she has the boobehz)

    For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

    For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

    To prevent contraception: wear a condominium. (lets continue to teach abstinence)

    For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat.

    To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

    Ah, the study of student misconceptions.  I can look at all of these statements and pretty much form a good hypothesis as to where these misconceptions came from.  Maybe I will do a real update later.