June 11, 2013

• To Get Her, Together [Final Edit]

    

  My therapist told me that people are not objects or accessories.  Of course they are not.  I never  said that they were.  People are people; but that does not mean they matter or that I should care about them. Why should I? And that bit about not being able to think my way out of an open box if there was no personal gain was to be had, was that supposed to push me into movement, when I didn't see where any action needed to be taken? It's not laziness.  I see no need to fix what isn't broken.  I'm not broken, and I never will be.

  My world was the only world that mattered, and I was the star.  Those other people could play minor roles, if I let them.  Where is the problem?  Everyone thinks this, they just don't admit it out loud or even to themselves.  I wasn't everyone.  I was just me, and as long as there was no disequilibrium in my world, there was no need for me to acknowledge others.  It is only when I become disturbed that I take notice, and there was always hell to pay for those that disturbed me.  And I ask myself, what made him different? I knew when I saw him that he was different, and I wanted him to stay. Maybe his sonic boom rocked my world, but I was only stirred, not shaken. I pretended to ignore him, but I could feel myself being drawn into his world.  He was Magneto and I loved him, silly thought, I loved him. I wanted him to stay and paint my silver world with his colors.

  "You have cute ears." he said.

  I cover my ears, my face was burning.  That had never happened before.  I felt flattered.  Had I known I was going to feel flattered, I would have made more effort.  I had known myself since the dawn of time, and I had never noticed my ears before.  No one had ever spoke of them before.  Plenty had spoke of my ass,  my breasts, the sound of my voice, or the fact that I was a wretched, heartless bitch who they wrapped around their heart and soul until there were no lines between possession, possessor, and the possessed.

  "They are pointy like an elf or a Vulcan.  I can't decide."  He thinks a minute.  "You are a Vulcan.  At least one-quarter Vulcan." 

  I remove my hands from my ears. "Just so you know. I am not Van Gogh." I didn't smile. "I'll never cut one off to give it to you."  But I would give him heart to allow him to show me just how foolish it sounds when it sings loudly enough for others to hear.

  He smiles, "We'll see about that." he said sitting at my table uninvited. 

  I thought he probably smiled at all the girls, but he didn't.  Smiles were for the others that happened to live in our world, but I didn't know that yet.  So I gave him a sort of smile to let him know that I wouldn't kill him if he sat down next to me.  I was now an us, before I even knew what happened.  I had never thought I would be an us, before him, it was always me and mine.  I m not even sure I understood what the word us meant before there was a him.  Without even knowing it I picked up his heart, and breathed in his spirit.  I didn't even know he had offered them to me.  He would capture all of me, and the body parts I refused to sever myself, he would take them from me and do with them as he pleased.  I would never be the same, but neither would he.  I wanted him to stay and so I poisoned him with my love.  I allowed myself to captivated in his magnetic force field.

  Us, We were everything.  Together, we were volatile, but we paid no attention to the fact that two universes could never exist in the same space; one would inevitably be destroyed.  Neither of us would relinquish control, so we armed ourselves with Death Stars knowing neither of us would breathe a single breath without the other.  He painted for me, a beautiful life,  and my words quieted the chaos and hell that fueled him.  The world was wonderful when we were together.

  We were cruel, but we were love.  He was mine to break, and I was his. When one was resonating close their shatterpoint, the other was the holy spirit.  I would do anything for him, and he said, he would do anything for my love.  He only wanted me to love him, even if it meant crushing my mind and my body to get it.

  We, were an us, and we existed in the world that was ours undisturbed,  until there was them.  Who were the them that were special enough to grab the attention of those the were the universe?  They needed to be broken for no other reason except we could and they took up space in the world that they didn't deserve.   It was because I hated her.  I told him I hated her, he only wanted to see me happy.  Her him was only guilty by association.  It was only her that I hated.

  So we filled them with gas and lit them on fire, and enjoyed chaotic light show. while we could.  When we broke them, we left them mindfucked and bloody.  As we discovered, we could work together to get her.  I was the one with the power to crawl under your skin, and rule your mind.  I was, as he said, part Vulcan.  And he had a thirst for blood, and I was tired of paying with my own.  This was honestly enough for me, but I guess he had other plans.

  One day he said to me, "let's go hunting, darling." 

  He took my hand gently, as if it would make  me want to go with him.  Hunting, I hated, though I didn't have I didn't have a choice.  With him, the lines were clear.  I was a possession and he was possessed.  I was his bad voo-doo doll.  To kill me, would destroy him.

  "Why?" I asked.

  "Because I love you." he said.   Giving me puppy dog eyes that almost worked on me but not quite.  They only made me want to kiss him, not give him what he wanted

  I loved him, but I never told him as often as he told me because I would make him beg for it.  When he thought that I didn't love him, it made me feel like God, and not just his goddess.  His prayers for my love let me know that ultimately, it was me who was in control.  Everything he did was all for my love, and I would do anything to keep him for myself.

  I let him take me hunting, and when I discovered our prey, I knew how much he loved me.  The only thing I ever felt truly deserving of death.  She was a pathetic trembling mess, of sweat, tears, and fear.  This was better than any deer, or bird, or animal.  She was hated.  I could hardly contain my smile or the tears.  I always swore that I would never act like a girl and cry because I am so overcome with joy because of a man's love. I should have known by his smile that he was up to something, but sometimes his smile always lied.

  He pulled me closer and said, "I told you, I love you."  His heart pounding in my ear.  "Consider this our wedding day."  He placed the bloody knife in my hands.  I thought and this must be my engagement ring.  With this secret, we could never leave the other.  She was a sacrifice to our love.  They both were.

  I never thought I would feel honored by the love of another, but I did.  He turned me toward her, and there was a smile that he put on my face, because we were love.  Because when our worlds collided, it wasn't the end, but the glorious beginning of us.

  I don't think I ever thought about killing anyone before because no one mattered.  Honor, amazed, and pink.  This memory, will always be pink.  I didn't think about a lot of things before he existed because there was only silver, and he was and explosion of color. I hated her, but she didn't matter.  Her eyes were wet, so I supposed she was scared or sad or some other thing.  Her color didn't matter to me. Or maybe I was scared, or sad, or some other thing. The world of feelings confused me.  I looked back at him, this was our hunt, and I didn't have a choice.  I started to tell him that I loved him, but her voice broke the spell.

  "You don't have to do this." She said. "Please."  I could hear her voice shake every time it got stuck in her throat.  I think I heard a little bit of hope in it, too. Unless her hope was to die quickly, then she should have felt hopeless.

  Her voice was all I needed to be sure, I wanted to accept his wedding vows.  She didn't matter.  He was right.  If she didn't matter, she didn't deserve the space I gave her in my head.   He should be the only thing that matters to me.   He should be the only thing that I feel.   He had tried to tell me before, but I guess he had to show me.

  I knelt beside her and press the knife against her lips.    "Shhh." I said. "but I do."  Her eyes were wet.  I thought for sure she was the one that felt afraid and defeated.  I felt nothing. It was silver. She would soon feel dead.  I wanted to be able to ask her how it felt to be dead, but I didn't think she would respond.  Killing her was the same as killing an animal, except I could understand her protests.  I would have been disappointed by the lack of specialness if it weren't for him and his love and his smile reminding me of the color pink.

  And we knew they would soon come for us, but none of that mattered. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me to my feet to face him. "and this is our honeymoon." he whispered "Just like I promised."  Not even death could do us apart.  We would live on forever, in stories, and legends as gods.  They would speak of our love and blood lust  in whispers as if shouting our names would awaken our dead hearts, and still the life from theirs.
  

  
  

  ---

  You used to captivate me by your resonating light
  Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
  Your face – it haunts my once pleasant dreams
  Your voice – it chased away all the sanity in me

  These wounds won't seem to heal
  This pain is just too real
  There's just too much that time cannot erase

  • 1:42 pm
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